Airport official, Los Angeles
... to lady who attempted to pat a sniffer dog.
"In my experience, if you have to keep the lavatory door shut by extending your left leg, it’s modern architecture."
"What strikes you about a prison is not that it's unlike any place you have ever been in, but that it's quite like lots of places you have been in. "
"The trolley will shortly be coming through with a selection of hot and cold snacks, tea and other beverages. For your information, pushing the trolley this morning is Miss Castleford 1996."
Leeds train announcement ... as told by Alan Bennett
"My worst hotel? Modern designer hotels where it takes you half an hour to turn on a tap or the lights in your room. They're designer-mad and nothing to do with usability. Even flushing the loo can be a big operation."
Edward de Bono
"We have defrosting breaks."
Building user, Australia
'There is no way that anyone at Apple could have come up with that bloody paper clip or "My Documents". You can imagine Bill Gates with drawers labelled "My Socks", "My Hats", "My Shoes". Apple shows that computers can be simple without infantilising us".
"I still would prefer straight to slanted walls, so as to put up bookshelves and a blackboard."
"When entering the building, I have to pretend I'm a normal human being!"
Comment from building occupant survey
"To remove this label, peel it off."
Ivor Cutler sticker Ivor Cutler ... performing Shoplifters on The Old Grey Whistle Test
"This is the nearest humanity has got to reproducing itself in metal"
David Elliott 60163 ... a new A1 class steam locomotive built by enthusiasts over 19 years
"I wanted to prove to my friends that I was still fit."
Peter Hildreth ... after being banned from running up the escalators the wrong way in a Farnham, Surrey store. Hildreth was 80 at the time, and represented Britain in the 1952, 1956 and 1960 Olympic Games.
"The problem with assumptions is that we always assume they are right."
"Answering machines and old people. That's not a good combination, I find."
"If someone is taking a picture, you say, 'Lamps at 10 o'clock', then everyone looks lovely."
"There are few things more likely to annoy busy people than a computer that thinks it is really helpful."
"Fink dslow drink drive"
... Motorway matrix sign, M6 near Carlisle
"I refuse to die to this music."
André Previn ... after airline pilot started playing 'soothing' music during an airborne incident.
"Do not eat the blackcurrant jam: it tastes of fish."
Derek Randall ... warning Tony Greig not to have the caviar at a cricket reception.
"In case of fire do not panic. Dial 9 and warm reception."
Tulip Hotel, Paris
Jodie Whittaker TV sub-title attempt at Huddersfield during interview with Jodie Whittaker, actually from Skelmanthorpe.