"The trolley will shortly be coming through with a selection of hot and cold snacks, tea and other beverages. For your information, pushing the trolley this morning is Miss Castleford 1996."
Leeds train announcement
... as told by Alan Bennett
"What strikes you about a prison is not that it's unlike any place you have ever been in, but that it's quite like lots of places you have been in. "
"Fink dslow drink drive"
... Motorway matrix sign, M6 near Carlisle
"Do not touch the federal agent."
Airport official, Los Angeles
... to lady who attempted to pat a sniffer dog.
"I refuse to die to this music."
... after airline pilot started playing 'soothing' music during an airborne incident.
"Do not eat the blackcurrant jam: it tastes of fish."
... warning Tony Greig not to have the caviar at a cricket reception.
"In case of fire do not panic. Dial 9 and warm reception."
Tulip Hotel, Paris